Excerpt:
I stand in the
bathroom for a few indecisive moments, then I decide to take full advantage of
the moment. It’s either that or driving myself crazy, crazier about all the
ways this could go terribly wrong.
I find Marlene
and ask her for a glass of bubbles, a little cocktail before dinner which she
promptly provides. My next request is a little more delicate even though I
don’t intend to go into details. Oh well. She’s a woman. She’ll know, but then
again, she probably is aware of Carter’s intentions anyway.
“I’m so sorry,
Ms. Elliot, I can’t do that,” she says, her eyes wide, expression a bit shocked
that I would even ask for something like that. I sigh. Maybe I’ll have to go
into specifics after all.
“I know Carter
doesn’t want me to have sharp objects, but I swear, I’m not going to destroy
anything with it, and I’m not going to try to kill myself. I just want to shave
my legs.” …and trim in other areas, maybe, but that is definitely something I
won’t spell out for Marlene. I’m blushing as it is.
“Can’t that wait
for a few more hours?”
That’s the
point, though, I don’t want Carter to be around. This is where I’m having
trouble with playing the role that’s expected of me. I’ve been taking care of
these things forever—having them taken out of my hands, even if those are
small, inconsequential things, bothers me. I have a closet full of amazing
dresses, skirts, and bathing suits. I want smooth legs, damn it, is that too
much to ask for?
“I promise, I
won’t tell. Please.” All of a sudden, this small piece of independence has
become very important, more than the bubble bath in the giant tub, with a glass
of champagne on the side. I want to do this, badly—and then I think, whatever.
It’s not like Marlene can tell anyone.
“Listen, when
Carter comes back, I’m sure she’d like something to take her mind off
business…so I want everything to be ready. I want to be ready.” I break the eye
contact, because I’m not able to do this otherwise. “You know what I mean. I’m
sure you also know exactly how I got here, so I’d think you could help me with
one little thing that would make me more comfortable. I am not going to hurt
myself.”
When I look up,
Marlene’s demeanor tells me she’s still uneasy, but she nods. “I’ll get you
what you need. I’ll be right back, and I want you to give it back to me when
you’re done. Just this once.”
“I can do that.
Thank you.”
True to her
word, she is back with one of the pink razors you love to hate, but use anyway.
I’ll make do.
When she’s gone,
I sink into the warm water, laughing at myself. What do I need a relaxing bath
for? I did nothing all day except read and walk around for a bit. Frankly, I’m
not a fan of exercise, but I should find something to do. It would help if I
could go to the pool by myself. I have to talk it over with Carter. What is she
afraid of? Where would I go?
I put on a short
red dress and flat sandals, and for the first time, I add some jewelry to the
outfit. This is all mine. I shouldn’t feel like a thief, or a gold digger.
I don’t put on
evening make-up. I’ve never been a make-up person, and so my skills are
sketchy, not that I ever thought they matter. A bit of lipstick and perfume
will do. As much as I was creeped out, scared even in the beginning, I find as
much fascination in exploring the possibilities of my new self.
This is all
between me and Carter, and to some extent, Marlene…and the person who broke
into my apartment, drugged and brought me here, but I don’t want to think about
this now. Even taking into consideration that concepts of beauty vary, that
many of them are ridiculous standards enforced by patriarchy, which I don’t
give a damn about...I have to admit I like what I see in the mirror. I’m not
exactly a model photoshopped for a magazine cover, just a woman in clothes that
fit her well. I’m excited.
I find Marlene
and give her the razor back as promised. The dinner table is set for one.
All of a sudden,
I want to cry, but instead, I force a smile.
Carter will be
back.
* * *
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